Supporting Our Children’s Emotional Health This Fall

September has always been a time filled with hellos and goodbyes. We say goodbye to long summer days filled with warmth and light, roses and petunias, and our little break from reality. We say hello to our favorite pair of jeans, colorful mums, and a return to “normal”. It’s a time of endings and new beginnings and, despite the losses, we can’t help but feel excitement about what’s ahead.

This fall we are feeling weary of the losses. The loss of loved ones, jobs, childcare, milestones, gatherings with friends and family, the office, school, sports, vacations, and any sense of normalcy. We all have our stories to tell and they are all different. Many of us are feeling sad, angry, or worried. Whatever we are feeling, it’s okay. We can help ourselves and our children manage our emotions more effectively and cope with this incredibly difficult time by learning about and teaching emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence, a term introduced to us by Daniel Goleman, means being aware of your own emotions, the emotions of others, and being able to work through tough emotions in a constructive way. When we name and talk about our emotions it helps us process and learn how to respond to them. The Gottman Institute recommends 5 steps towards becoming our children’s emotional coach:

1. Notice emotions:  Pay attention to our own emotions and our children’s emotions. Ask ourselves, “What is it I am feeling right now? What does our child’s face look like, how does their voice sound, what is their body language telling us?”
2. Connect:  When emotions are strong, we don’t want to shy away from the moment, we want to go towards it as an opportunity to equip our children with skills.
3. Label emotions:  “It looks like you feel _____” or “You seem____.” Some of us are afraid that if we acknowledge emotions, they will get bigger, but in fact, the opposite happens. Daniel Siegel describes the theory of “Name it to tame it” in his book, The Whole-Brain Child. When we acknowledge our children’s feelings in a nurturing and nonjudgmental way, it helps them feel more calm.
4. Communicate empathy: “I get it. It’s really hard. It makes sense that you would feel that way. I feel that way sometimes, too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could____.” This type of communication helps our children feel understood and accepted. When we dismiss feelings (“You’re fine, there is no need to feel that way.”) children learn not to trust their own feelings and look towards others to know how they should feel. If we punish feelings (“Stop crying, or go to your room!”) children will learn feelings are bad and bury them. When we deny or punish feelings we are building for a big explosion of feelings down the road. We want to communicate to our children that emotions are a normal and important part of being a human being.
5. Set Limits and Teach:  When kids express their feelings irresponsibly, we want to set limits. “It’s okay to be angry, it’s not okay to hit. Hitting hurts.” As well we want to teach, “When you are angry, take some deep breaths and then use your words to tell me.” Siegel describes good mental and emotional health as when the logic side of the brain and the emotions side of the brain are working together. If we focus only on logic we become rigid, but if we focus only on emotions, we become chaotic. When the two halves of our brain are working together, we enjoy a sense of well-being; therefore, we want to validate the importance of both. The goal is to connect emotionally first, then once calm has been restored, introduce logic.

As Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish teach in their book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, when we help our children name and talk about their emotions in a loving and supportive way, we are helping our children to flourish despite difficult times. Kids will greatly benefit from even one parent acting as an emotional coach for 30-40% of their parenting time, and it is never too early or late to start. I can help you apply these tools to your individual situation and learn techniques for managing your own emotions.