Learning Online Can Be Hard; Here’s Some Support

Listen to Laura

Hello and welcome to Laura Reardon Coaching, helping families grow strong. For the past twenty years I’ve been working as a mother, home daycare owner, nanny, and now as a certified Child Behavior Specialist and Parent Coach. The topic of today’s coaching session is:

Learning Online Can Be Hard; Here’s Some Support

I’m hearing from so many parents about how hard it is for their kids who are struggling with online learning—and how hard it is for them as parents! We are all in survival mode and need to go easy on ourselves; yet, we want our children to learn. We all do our best when we can and it’s so important to have self-compassion and forgive ourselves when we can’t. Ask yourself, “What is the thing I need to do every day to support my well being?” and schedule it. Also, consider these strategies and tools to help you feel supported in your parenting and to help your children feel supported in their learning. We’ll start with the basics and build from there covering a total of 10 topics—workspace, routine, focus on success, brain breaks, communicating with positive choices and curiosity question, emotion coaching, intrinsic verses extrinsic motivation, and emotional flooding.

1. Workspace: Create a functional workspace that includes a desk or table (a weighted lap desk or weighted blanket can be helpful), a chair that allows the child’s feet to touch the ground (or get creative by using an exercise ball or a stationary bicycle as a seat for kids who need to move), a computer, paper, pencils, etc. Some kids do better with multiple workspaces, so they have the opportunity to change locations throughout the day. Inviting them to bring a favorite stuffed animal to “school” with them may help motivate them to go to their workspace. The idea is to create a workspace that is both functional, and, maybe a little special, too.
2. Routine: Consistency and routine are vital to helping children know what to expect. The routine should be whatever works for your family—the key is that it is consistent. You may want to choose clothes the night before to make the morning routine go more smoothly. If there is a special toy that your child has a lot of difficulty giving up, it’s best to keep it out of the routine. Creating a cue may also be helpful: a special desk light clicked on, or a diffuser for aromatherapy switched on to signal the start of the school day (and turned off when it’s over). Similar to a bedtime routine, an online school routine can really help.
3. Focus on success: Instead of focusing on what is happening that we don’t want, we can choose to focus on communicating the behaviors we do want and then encourage by noticing when we see those behaviors. Children want to be noticed, not judged. Instead of saying, “great job” or “good boy/girl,” comment on the specific behavior. Pretend you are a camera and comment only on what you could take a picture of, “I see you are sitting at your desk.” or “I noticed you were listening to your teacher.” Success begets success.
4. Brain breaks: A break from whatever kids are focusing on. Kids lose focus easily, and this loss of focus can look like misbehavior or lack of cooperation­—taking short breaks increases attention and productivity. For younger children, breaks will be needed more frequently and for timed intervals. A timer can be used to help them understand how much time is passing. For older children, breaks can work best when taken after a specific task has been completed. A break can be a physical activity for kids who need to move (yoga poses, wall push-ups, jumping jacks, etc,), a quiet activity for kids who need to relax (guided meditation, drawing, quiet stretching), or a sensory activity (chewing on a crunchy snack or doing a tactile activity, such as using silly putty). Whatever activity the child chooses, it’s important to talk ahead of time about the purpose of the break and the ground rules. Brain breaks can set kids up for success by making it possible for them to return to a task and get it done which builds self-confidence and self-esteem.
5. Positive Choices: We can give our children power and control by offering them choices.
   • Instead of “Get dressed.” we can say “Do you want to put your shirt or your pants on first?”
   • Instead of “Pay attention to your teacher.” we can say “While you listen, would you like to hold a stress ball or a fidget toy?” Other ideas include play dough or a doodle pad.
   • Instead of “Break’s over, get back to work.” we can say “Should we fly back to your desk like a superhero, or hop like a bunny?”
6. Curiosity Questions: Asking instead of telling invites thinking skills and cooperation.
   • Instead of “Brush your teeth.” we can say “How do we take care of our teeth?”
   • Instead of “It’s time to start school.” we can say “How do we turn on the computer?”
   • Instead of “Listen to your teacher.” we can say “What do we do when the teacher is talking?”
7. Emotion Coaching: Children who are raised by emotion coaching parents have greater academic achievement, higher test scores, better focus, and healthier peer relationships. They also require less discipline and cope better with life’s ups and downs. Emotion coaching parents recognize a child’s expression of emotion as an opportunity for connection. No matter the age of the child, dismissing or diminishing their feelings will not make those feelings go away; it will only cause them to get bigger. We want to be aware of their emotions—and our own.
   • Help them to recognize and label their emotions: “Your face looks so sad.”
   • Communicate empathy and validate their feelings: “It’s hard—I understand.”
   • Set limits and problem solve: “It’s not okay to play video games instead of doing your schoolwork, but let’s talk about how we can make this work better for you? What would help? What ideas do you have?”

The goal is to communicate that all feelings are okay, but not all behavior is okay. We can have high standards for our children’s behavior and be responsive to their emotional needs.

8. Extrinsic Motivation: Offering to reward kids in order to get through a tough situation is called extrinsic (external) motivation. This type of incentive can work really well, after all, don’t we all deserve a reward sometimes?! The problem is that this type of motivation teaches our kids to expect a reward in exchange for a certain behavior; if we stop rewarding that behavior, the behavior may go away. It also has the potential to create an environment in which, asking our kids to do something may cause them to respond with “What will you give me for it?” As they get older, the price just keeps getting higher. Most importantly, it undermines the development of intrinsic (internal) motivation. If we reward children for doing well in school, it is like telling them that there is nothing that would interest them about school other than a reward. Instead, we want to encourage an intrinsic motivation for learning—a desire to learn for the sake of knowledge and the good feeling of accomplishment. We all use rewards to motivate our children at times and that is absolutely fine, just keep in mind that offering rewards shouldn’t be the only way we motivate.
9. Intrinsic Motivation: Choosing to engage in a behavior because it is personally rewarding or because we think it is the right thing to do. Although we cannot use traditional rewards to motivate our kids intrinsically, there are other ways to do it.
   • Look for aspects of the topic that may interest your child.
   • When they feel overwhelmed by a big goal, show them how to break it down into smaller steps. When we stretch ourselves and experience success, it gives us confidence and motivation to tackle difficult things in the future.
   • Recognize when they’ve worked hard by communicating that their sense of accomplishment itself is rewarding because it feels so good. “Wow, I can see you worked hard on this! I imagine that feels really good. You should feel proud of yourself.”
   • Develop gratitude. Perseverance is fueled in equal parts by frustration, hope, and optimism. Feeling grateful can increase hope and optimism when kids feel frustrated and want to give up. We can help kids develop a sense of gratitude by starting a gratitude journal or by having each family member share something they are grateful for, perhaps around the dinner table.
   • Let kids know that everyone makes mistakes or has a bad day sometimes, but there is good news, we always get to try again!
10. Emotional flooding: Sometimes both parents and kids get so overwhelmed and upset that they totally lose it, this is called emotional flooding. For parents, it is often caused by our interactions with our kids, and for kids it typically happens when they feel they are not being heard or understood. When flooded, we are not able to access our logic. This is not a time to talk or problem solve; it’s a time to recognize our emotions and to take a break. It is helpful in these moments to have a plan for what activity will help you feel more calm a hand signal or a safe word to let the other person know a break is needed. In order to be effective, the break must be at least twenty minutes. For young children, a parent’s quiet presence is calming. This is called co-regulation. Kids over the age of eight and teens are often calmed by quiet time alone in their rooms, listening to music, watching tv, or playing with the family pet. All children can benefit from being introduced to the concept of belly breathing—breathing in and out through the nose, slowly and deeply, making the belly big and then small. For adults, the break can include an activity such as the following:
    • Yoga and meditation
    • Reading
    • Taking a shower
    • Listening to soothing music       
    • Taking a walk or getting fresh air
    • Working on the computer

As parents, it is comforting to know that when we lose it, kids really benefit from seeing us take responsibility for our behavior by taking a break to calm down, apologizing if we’ve said something hurtful, and then trying again to communicate and problem solve. Role modeling is the most effective tool we can use to teach our kids to do the same.

Thank you for listening. It is my goal to help parents feel prepared, confident, and encouraged in the most important job they’ll ever have – raising the next generation! Every family’s needs and challenges are unique. I can work with you to design a plan to meet your family’s individual needs and support you in practicing the new approaches you are learning. Schedule a personal coaching session and feel less alone in your parenting.